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The availability of pet passports means that your
favourite friend could be packing their own flight bags. But will T iddles or
Rover be able to beat the language barrier abroad? A 'woof' is not the same in Windsor as it is in
Warsaw, and a 'tweet' is very different in Milan
PIGS:
Most accurate: 'groin groin' (French). W ith the correct French
pronunciation of the 'oi' and a particularly exaggerated Gallic 'r',
this spelling comes far closer to true piggy parlance. Give it a go—say
it out loud.
Most inaccurate: 'oink oink' (English, Spanish).
Isn't it fascinating how two countries with such different language and
geography can come up with the same spelling, especially when it bears absolutely
no resemb lance whatsoever to any pig noises that you are ever lik ely to hear?
Most appropriate: 'knor knor' (Dutch). Suggesting a morbid sense
of humour among the porkers of the Netherlands, add an 'r' to the
end of the word and you have the manufacturer of—among other things—tasty
sauces for pork dishes
Next time you jet off on a European trip, why not take your pet along with
you? If you're going on holiday, the furry tyke is sure to make an agreeable
sunbathing companion. For the business traveller, you'll have a ready-made
lap- or foot-warmer for those chilly European boardrooms.
After all, why should the benefits of European integration be limited to us
humans? There can be only one possible reason why our pets remain an unfamiliar
sight on Mediterranean beaches and in overseas business meetings: the language
barrier.
We might assume that animals would be easily understood the European Union
over, but is this really the case? Certain animal behaviours are, without a doubt,
common across Europe—a dog will just as happily sniff your crotch in Bratislava
as in Bradford; a Pontypool porker will happily snuffle for truffles. But a quick
investigation into animal noises, and how they are spelt in different countries
across Europe, shows the reality.
BIRDS:
Most inconsistent: 'twiep twiep' (German). Border controls for
birds between European nations hav e historically been relatively lax. Immigration
officials blame this on a certain difficulty in enforcing them. As a result,
you w ould expect a degree of consistency in birdy-speak acros s Europe.
But this is simply not the case. While you might get away with an English 'tweet
tweet' in a Berlin bird bar, an Italian 'cip cip' or Spanish 'p’o
p’o' wouldn't get you past the bouncers.
Most difficult to pronounce: 'tsjilp tsjilp' (Dutch). Relatively
few migrating birds choose to spend their winters in the Netherlands. This is
because so man y of them starve, due to problems getting their beaks ar ound
all the consonants when asking their Dutch hosts for dir ections to the best
spot to find worms.
CATS:
Most consistent: 'miau miau' (most of Europe).
The pro-European lobby would love it if we humans c ould learn from cats' sense
of international harmony. The odd lett er in a feline 'hello' may
vary from country to country—'miauw' (Dutch), 'miao' (Italian), 'meow ' (English)
but in spite of these slight nuances of cat dialect, a travelling moggy would
have other foreign feline friends.
DOGS:
Most over-sized: 'wuff wuff' (German). Similar to the English 'woof
woof', this spelling gives the impression of a huge shaggy beast of a
dog with a deep, guttural bark. Germans clearly have a preference for big, manly
mutts. Like the German shepherd. And the dachshund.
Most imploring: 'ham ham' (Romanian). More a request for a tasty
sandwich than a bark, at least busy Romanian pet owners don't have to
decide what to feed the dog each morning.
Most under-sized: 'oua oua' (French). The French version, on
the other hand, gives the impression of a yippy little rat-like thing which scampers
around, nips at your ankles and emits high-pitched noises that are squeaks rather
than barks.
Most painful: 'auh auh' (Estonian). This is the sound you hear
when one of those yippy little rat-like things has been driving you mad with
its noise for hours and you 'accidentally' drop-kick it out of
the window.
COWS:
Most consistent: 'muu muu' (Italia n, Slovak, Estonian, Polish,
Portuguese, SpanishÉ). Backpacking cows wouldn't have many problems
making themselves understood around Europe. The exact number of 'u's
may vary from country t o country, but 'watch you don't singe my
udders with tha t portable gas stove' is pretty much 'muu' in
any language. Of course, Brits spell it 'moo', but their cows are
a mad bunch .
Most interbred: 'boeh boeh' (Dutch). If you want to get friendly
with a cow in the Netherlands, you'll need to get your pronunciation spot
on. One vowel in the wrong place and you'll find yourself chatting up
a Dutch sheep ('beeh beeh'), which would be a shame, as cows are
much better kissers.
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