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Text by Ann Laffeaty
In a bar and can’t quite remember where you are? No problem. If the punters are trying to balance fishy snacks on oily bits of bread, you’re probably in Spain. If the barman wields a knife when serving you a minuscule glass of beer, you’ll be in Holland. And if the walls of your watering hole are completely covered with horse brasses, bugles and quaint old pictures, you will doubtless be in England. A light look at the huge differences between Europe’s drinking dens.
/////// England
English pubs can be difficult to spot because they are busy posing as houses. The word “pub” or “bar” outside is often sadly lacking: look instead for an old, timbered building creaking under the weight of the hanging baskets of Babylon. There will also be a swinging sign depicting two ill- assorted objects and captioned: “The Frog and Warming Pan” or “The Badger and Circular Saw”, as appropriate.
When you spot a pub you’ll be curious to know what it’s like inside before taking the plunge. But don’t be tempted to peer through the windows; this may offend the other 'guests’. In fact, the pub’s interior will closely resemble the home of an elderly lady – an eccentric one with a horse fixation and a hoarder’s instinct. Expect plastic flowers, china ornaments, horse brasses, olde worlde pictures and wall lights wearing little hats.
Approach the bar and catch the landlord’s eye to secure your place in the magic invisible queue where everyone is served in turn. English pubs are friendly places and you should feel free to chat while waiting for your drink. The weather, beer and a new favourite – rugby – are all acceptable subjects.
Don’t treat the landlord as a waiter. He may be affronted, as he considers himself your host, and he won’t wait on you in any case since all drinks in England are bought at the bar.
/////// Holland
The inside of a typical bar in Holland bears an uncanny resemblance to an old sepia photograph. After several Heinekens it may even have a similar blurriness, though you’ll have to work hard to achieve this effect. Dutch beers are served in laughably small glasses with a head on them guaranteed to give you a moustache the size of Van Gogh’s.
The brownness of Dutch bars is not some Rembrandt-like style statement – it is the result of accumulated nicotine stains dating back practically to the discovery of tobacco. “Brown bars” are Holland’s answer to England’s pubs, and they have a similar homespun atmosphere, complete with lacy curtains, door drapes and the ubiquitous cat in the window.
When you are tired of ploughing your way through a succession of 250ml lagers, switch to the local spirit, instead. Jenever is made from juniper berries and tastes pleasantly like gin.
Don’t be alarmed if the barman whips out a knife when he serves you your beer. He isn’t about to demand a tip with menaces – instead he will use it to slice off the rising froth in a timeless Dutch ritual.
/////// France
Bars in France can be pretty half-hearted affairs. In fact, many of them are literally only half a bar, sharing their premises with a barber’s shop, hardware store, coal merchant, etc. Scottish- born Alan Turner lives in Brittany and frequents a bar that moonlights as a butcher shop and charcuterie.
“The landlord comes through to the bar with his bloodstained hands and apron and pulls you a demi,” he said. “On the upside, he is just as likely to bring you a plate of freshly made pâté and a slice of bread.”
Many bars in France have a café-style atmosphere, where coffee and ice creams are sold alongside hard liquor. Don’t expect to see the wife and kids there though – in rural
THE INSIDE OF A TYPICAL BAR IN HOLLAND BEARS AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO AN OLD SEPIA PHOTOGRAPH, AND AFTER SEVERAL HEINEKENS IT MAY HAVE A SIMILAR BLURRINESS
villages they are more likely to be sitting outside in cars waiting for their men folk. If you move to France and find yourself a regular at a bar, be sure to casually drop in on a Monday. This is the day when French landlords traditionally buy the locals a round.
Don’t sit at one of the pretty little tables outside the bar unless you are feeling flush. Watching the world go by is chargeable in France and you may pay through the nose for a seat with a view. Prop up the bar for the lowest tariff.
/////// Italy
Bars in Italy tend to double as cafés. In fact, you can spend the entire day in one if you feel so inclined, kicking off with a coffee and pastry in the morning, graduating to a pizza and cheeky little Chianti for lunch, and moving into the evening with a few grappas at the counter.
Local Italian bars can be very friendly places. If you speak even a little of the lingo and show an interest in the locals you’ll be accepted in no time and will soon be knocking back the grappas with the best of them.
Grappa is a national drink, and one that’s not to everyone’s taste. For a start, it is made with the bits left over after the wine harvest – in other words, pips, stems and skins. It is also around 45% proof, so it’s a good idea to miss out on a few rounds with your new Italian chums unless you want to end up as an unexpected overnight guest slumped over the counter.
Don’t be afraid to ask for a simple glass of tap water if this is what you want. By law, Italian bars must provide water to thirsty passers- by when requested.
/////// Spain
Tapas is the keyword in Spanish bars. These oily snacks balanced on bits of bread are a major Spanish tradition and will slip down well with your San Miguel or glass of tinto.
Bars in Spain often look rather rough and ready, but can be friendly, vibrant places. Brian Parkinson was impressed by the warm welcome he received at a dark, dingy bar in northern Spain. “The elderly landlord introduced himself and then flopped out a dark, wrinkled, cylindrical-shaped object over the bar,” said Brian. “I was a bit startled because I thought at first he was exposing himself. It was only when he offered to cut a piece off for me to eat that I realised he was brandishing a chorizo sausage.
“After I’d shared it with him, we seemed to become mates – in fact, when I called in the following day, he actually closed the bar and took me on a tour of the other drinking dens in the village.”
Local Spanish bars in town squares, pre-sunset, tend to buzz with atmosphere and a sense of anticipation. This is when the handsome blades strut their stuff while kids on bikes weave in and out of them and the town’s elders watch indulgently from kerbside tables.
Don’t bother looking for little dishes in which to place your olive pits and cocktail sticks after eating your tapas. Do as the locals do and spit 'em on the floor!
BEER IS CELEBRATED IN GERMANY AND YOUR GLASS WILL PROBABLY PROCLAIM THE BRAND-NAME OF ITS CONTENTS AND BE HIGHLY DECORATED TO BOOT
/////// Germany
Beer halls, where merry Germans clutch large steins of beer and sing, may be a bit of a cliché, but they exist nonetheless.
Traditional beer halls are noisy, friendly affairs where people sit at refectory-style tables and sup huge glasses of beer that are unashamedly frothy on top. Beer is celebrated in Germany and your glass will probably proclaim the brand-name of its contents and be highly decorated to boot. Some beer halls now have their own micro- brewery and produce homespun brews of which they are very proud.
The German Oktoberfest is a true celebration of German beer and here you can rollick about in massive tents and marvel at (but not mess with) the strong-armed waitresses who are capable of carrying great fistfuls of enormous steins at a time.
Don’t vomit inside the beer tent at Oktoberfest. The resourceful Germans have anticipated this problem and special areas are often provided outside for this purpose – complete with grab-handles.
Head for the suburbs in Denmark if you are short of cash. Alcohol prices are raised by up to 25% in city centre bars.
If you don’t want to be served a 'girlie’ measure of beer in Portugal – 20cl in a tall glass – ask for a caneca. This half-litre tankard may still seem disgustingly small to the English and Germans but will more than satisfy the Dutch.
Don’t leave it too late to soak up the booze with the local beer cheese and smoked meats in the Czech Republic. Few places in the country serve food after 10pm.
Have a backgammon board under your arm if you want to meet the locals in Greece. Backgammon, or tavli, is played in bars throughout the country.
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